While the idea to share a blog is great, I decided I still want to post some of my own stuff for my own people too...just because I feel like it's more personal and I can be a little more honest.
Speaking of honesty, I am terribly homesick. When I left, I never thought I would be the type to get so homesick that I would seriously think about buying a plane ticket home. My roommates express daily that even though the way administration treats us here is frustrating, they are still happy to be here in India. But for me, I feel totally opposite. I am not happy to be in India and I think about getting home almost nonstop. It turns me into a downer and I hate it! It not only makes me miserable about my situation, but it makes it hard for me to get along with the people around me too. All I can think about is how badly I want April to come. I didn't want to be one of those SM's, but here I am, and it's happening to me. And the more homesick I feel, the more I feel like being alone to sulk in my misery. The more time I spend alone, the more depressed and sorry for myself I become.
I think writing this out is going to help me. When I read that paragraph I realize that I need to make the choice to be happy. If I don't, the rest of my time here is going to be miserable. When I am with my classes or with Chandu and Ramana, our neighbors, I am much happier. It is so hard for me to pretend I am happy and just around the corner from America with my computer and skype, hanging out with two friends in our apartment, when I know that I am months away from seeing anyone else and far too many miles away from home. Just like I always have, I hide my feelings and keep them all locked up inside for only me to mull over in every spare thought. I need to face reality that I am here in India to help kids learn some English and follow their rules, not to do things my way. I know that this experience is supposed to make me grow and become a stronger person but I am having a hard time seeing how this will happen or how I could change. I want to grow into a better person, I just have to figure out where to start. I have to wake up everyday and tell myself to be happy and to be understanding. I want God to work in me and for our relationship to grow but it's hard to open my heart to him when misery and selfishness is pushing the door closed. I am determined to make this happen. Having devotions every morning is not enough, I need more than that and so I am praying that God will help me to discover the secret that I haven't yet figured out. Once I do this, I am hoping I can find a little bit more happiness to fill my heart here in India.
My goal: have a smile like this guy in the very near future...
Speaking of honesty, I am terribly homesick. When I left, I never thought I would be the type to get so homesick that I would seriously think about buying a plane ticket home. My roommates express daily that even though the way administration treats us here is frustrating, they are still happy to be here in India. But for me, I feel totally opposite. I am not happy to be in India and I think about getting home almost nonstop. It turns me into a downer and I hate it! It not only makes me miserable about my situation, but it makes it hard for me to get along with the people around me too. All I can think about is how badly I want April to come. I didn't want to be one of those SM's, but here I am, and it's happening to me. And the more homesick I feel, the more I feel like being alone to sulk in my misery. The more time I spend alone, the more depressed and sorry for myself I become.
I think writing this out is going to help me. When I read that paragraph I realize that I need to make the choice to be happy. If I don't, the rest of my time here is going to be miserable. When I am with my classes or with Chandu and Ramana, our neighbors, I am much happier. It is so hard for me to pretend I am happy and just around the corner from America with my computer and skype, hanging out with two friends in our apartment, when I know that I am months away from seeing anyone else and far too many miles away from home. Just like I always have, I hide my feelings and keep them all locked up inside for only me to mull over in every spare thought. I need to face reality that I am here in India to help kids learn some English and follow their rules, not to do things my way. I know that this experience is supposed to make me grow and become a stronger person but I am having a hard time seeing how this will happen or how I could change. I want to grow into a better person, I just have to figure out where to start. I have to wake up everyday and tell myself to be happy and to be understanding. I want God to work in me and for our relationship to grow but it's hard to open my heart to him when misery and selfishness is pushing the door closed. I am determined to make this happen. Having devotions every morning is not enough, I need more than that and so I am praying that God will help me to discover the secret that I haven't yet figured out. Once I do this, I am hoping I can find a little bit more happiness to fill my heart here in India.
My goal: have a smile like this guy in the very near future...
Brooke, I can definitely relate, even by my first night in Nepal I wanted to get on a plane and come home. The only thing that kept me there was that I wanted to go climbing in the Himalayas so badly :) Some things that were helpful for me were - like you mentioned - just keeping busy. I tried to have kids over to my house every day. Played sports with them. Went on adventures into the hills. Anything and everything to keep my mind occupied. It's hard, and I feel ya. Mostly, you'll be in my prayers. Another thing that really helped me was something I got from TINA and that is "God won't let any experience go to waste."
ReplyDeleteI've been there too Brooke. I can tell you that it passes... You've been away longer than a vacation at this point, the shininess of India is gone and you're left with the striking differences from home. You'll adapt to the pace and details of life there and things will get easier. Then you're likely to find more purpose in our work, which makes things easier still. Hang in there another month and keep doing what you're doing: finding the positive. Best of luck - people you don't even know are interested in your success (I'm friends with Evan, and used to work for Jeanne).
ReplyDeleteDang Brooke! I thought that every SM was suppose to love being abroad so I pretended like I did too, even though I was SOOOOO homesick too, I would write in my blog that I loved every minute of it. I would tell myself I loved it! It's good to be honest with yourself. One thing that really got me over that hump of loneliness and homesickness was traveling. Try getting away and going some where new. You've probably been to Kadapa already, but ask some staff if you can go with them somewhere else. It was amazing how especially after traveling for two months, I came back to the school and it felt SOOO much like home! It's my home in my heart now. I'm praying for you Brooke! I know that loneliness, there's no way to describe it. But God is there! I love you Brooke! Keep up the positive attitude and dependency on God! He is GOOD!
ReplyDeleteBrooke, Sara Groves has a song, and I'm gonna send it to you, but she says, "There's redemption in confession and freedom in light!" This so calls us all to be honest about where we're at. keep it up! You're amazing!
ReplyDeleteHey sis! Just want you to know you're in my prayers and I miss you! What you do may not seem important or worthwhile right now, but there are so many things that go unnoticed in our own eyes, but God always has a purpose. And we don't always get to see it and understand it... but I promise you that God has a plan just for you. And he's with you the whole way through! Don't forget it! Love you, and I'll be in touch!
ReplyDelete"So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand." Isaiah 41:10
Your bro :)
Thanks so much for the encouragement Jenny, Jesse, Tina, Emily, and Brendon! It really helps a lot knowing many of you have been in this situation and that it gets better! Thanks for the advice and for reading. :)
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